(9inthemorning's site

its midnight and yet i cant help but think about setting s5uffnup on the internet just to put evidence, just to be able to put more evidence that I exist. I think i should make a site where I put stuff from all of my data except for passwords, but rather things on media and real life that ive stumbled or exprienced on, like a wide range of photos from blurry photos with no exact visible subject to food in which i could put descriptions on, or so i could comment on years later, I just really wanna organize my stuff, I have a whole lot on my mind even when its really dark and late at night here. I cant rest easy as I like apparently. Its summer vacation yet I feel like there's just something hollow in my mind, in the middle of my breathing organ called lungs, my race named it's organs, organs and gave them individual names too like duh so it can simplify surgerie- erm, but like I really wanna organize my passwords, my data, each video I see, also not to mention all the apps I've been to on both my accounts. I think I should write more freely, just to say what's on my mind, yet more the work to do on organizing my writings.. I hate reboots too, like the times when I couldn't move my past data to some hard drive. How was I supposed to know it all by myself, I even had to learn how to make an email by nyself when I was like 8 because I'm scared that something will alarm my bioligcal parents. I wish I could've saved my past drawings.. I know theyre just drawings that noone even cares to look at, atleast for now..? But I like the past. It's too bad. My mind wanders off before I know it. Before anyone even knows it. No wonder I can write an essay in 10-20 minutes. it's a shame I can't even write well with my country's language, I'm shameful, full of shame that you won't even need to look at a musuem or rather like a blank wall of nothingness yet filled with shame. A living wall of shame. If ever I end up writing more than ever, I hope a day comes where I'll finish organizing my things and end up copy pasting these words like a typewriter's kind of font. Then I'll check if these are a hundred kinds of slice-of-life thoughts from me or- or a hundred thouhts racing every minute while I converse to a nonexistent data-media-social_media-holder. Bearer.

chaptter 2 Today's the second day. I never thought I'd write this much at night nor think I'd decide to write about my thoughts. I guess it was taking up too much space. I guess my mind gets full and rowdy easily than the hollow space below my mouth. It feels like a lot of time has passed ever since I thought a lot about death than ever. I wonder if some teens go through it better because of understanding parents that they can rely on truly. I feel like there's a lot for me to say even though I don't have anyone really right now to talk with. I feel as though I can take my time by writing or rather typing this as if I was having a cup of tea, though I really wonder how tea tastes like. I wonder if I'll have a favourite tea or even scent once I've tried about more than ninety-percent of them. These days I've been watching this historical drama in hopes that I could converse with my close friend Thea. It reminds me so much of how cruel the land of the setting sun or was it the rising sun..? School is almost getting ready soon or is it already walking in a certain pace in order to catch up with me, as though it was crying that moving at a slow pace was lazy of me, the windy breeze is ebbing the signs that yime has passed and that it'll be time for the alarm clock to wake me up early to clean and work for my future alma mater. By trying to relapse on today's earlier hours, I remember how I ended up wishing for some miracle that would undoubtedly take long unless the Great Almighty wanted me to turn unto a sloth any much more. I'm pretty sure the things that I’ve failed to accomplish today, I'll be throwing them unto my bucket for tommorow. Maybe, just maybe, It's not too bad to be alone with a single parent. Atleast I could enjoy writing down my thoughts with music vibrating through my eardrums to alert my brain or to rather make it tired just in order to make my eyelids fall down earlier tonight. Lately I've been wanting to edit things that fill up my likings beautifully just for the whole reason of putting them out on the internet and make unseemingly alone individuals glad, like a warm soup that'll warm them up inside without the need of their chyme. Time has been cold to me by washing my skin with cool breeze that pushes clouds in the heavens, not too thick, just so the illuminating sunlight trascends down till the earth's dirt. I've said it once before and I'll say it once more towards the present, I'd never fancy clouds trying to conceal their rain that cries down far to the earth in order for the darkest clouds to dissaper and hope they'll apear again after a sunny period while the sky proudly presents the sun even with the absence of white clouds.

chapter 3 I feel tired, I feel stomach pains and I feel dizzy and lightheaded. It's not like your typically physical sickness. It's like prolonged pain. I lose my mind when I don't stick to what I really want. People around me makes me tired. I don't like angry cries. I feel wary of people around me. I am wary that I look out of place even though I am not uncommon in the population. I can never proudly say that I did my best but I do feel like I can say that I've done so much more than I supposedly have or maybe a bit harder than usual. I have a feeling like I know what other people are probably thinking and I can't help it and there's noone else to help myself or to keep picking up my scattered responsibilities for I feel my mind very wrecked and loose. I can't wait for the weekend to come to me but maybe that'll happen after enough times that I've pretended to die at every other night just to normalize the feeling of dying. It's scaring me more than usual. Maybe the devil couldn't reach me so it gave me the fright of not living long enough. Maybe a part of me is just bad so I've lived this long enough. I'm starting to believe that not enough good people live long enough. Everyone keeps getting shorter and shorter along with our lives. It's almost like you can say that life is ruining itself. As much as I don't wanna dissapear like a mere organism, I also can't deny that other lifebeings would be so much better without us. Even with the natural nature of being criticall, kind or empathetic we still have toxic capabilities of something like invading our even colonizing everything including our own race. If I let go for a second it's like I could never go to my past memories. I've thought too much and I wrote too much less.

chap 4 I would write so small so that not even half of the population should read my writings, i just wanna say that school is heavy for me, and that every end of the week it's like gravity pulls as usual but my body feels heavier and the sun blazes too hot I'll melt into a disgusting organism pile. I just sit here in front of my tasks and i can't believe that even in these times all I can recall for now iwas when all I did was watch anime at home. It's not like it was easier, I know it was still hard because it was me of that time. Sure I guess nothing beats the feeling of being young, but I'll turn into nothingness and I guess one day there'll be nothing left of me and nothing else might bat an eye. I just hope something is left of me, just a selfish wish I do think of maybe almost all of the time. I think I always knew this but I guess it was never the school's fault, it was just the people and the environment, along with it was society if I even understand what it is. I feel like society is just a group of middle people who have aboslutely no urge to be different and would rather stay in a brick puzzle. Even if it's just for now, I wanna go deeper again with my conscious mind. I honestly think music is just a way for the bright memories, I almost said warm but I am conscious enough to realize it would be just an illusion then. I don't think there willl ever be a point in my life where I won't have to worry about eggshells on the floor. I will feel like I am going to dig up my grave almost every time I think about, I would. It's a shame that sunny days are short and quick, but then again wishing for it to be longer would be narrow-minded and selfish. There's not much of a rest when it comes to living. But then again, we wouldn't be able to realize we were resting truly. My life, or even anyone's life is just on the brink of going to the other side like a mathematical equation. The way my neck feels heavy is exhausting, I feel like stopping and I know I'll feel sick if I keep continuing this but, I still do so anyways, whatever it is I'm talking about, nobody needs to understand.